What do i think??

I am writing this post now with tears filled in my eye ,and the tears just don’t seem to go away. I am not sad I am just too touch and I just feel so foolish, how can I be so foolish all this years?

   As some of you might know my mom is a Chinese, as some of you might also know that Chinese's people especially the tradition one they tend to love the son more as compare to the daughter… In my family I am the eldest daughter and I have a brother, for all this years in my family I feel that my mom really care for my brother more… I have cried many time about this but no one know about this….Everyone thinks that I am happy, everyone thinks that my mom bought me stuff I should be greatful but something I rather don’t want all this stuff!

   Still remember when I was 9 yr old, my teacher gave us a homework to draw a cartoon character. So I have never draw before a cartoon character so I was a bit puzzled… So when my mom was home I was so happy because hoping that she might teach me, she was teaching my 3yr old brother that time how to colour at that time. So I ask my mom to teach and she said “Do it yourself you are so big already!” I felt so hurt, but I donno say anything. So I decided to draw by myself.For hours I been drawing and finally I drew an exact copy Pikachu! I was so excited and I went to show my mom, but she didn't say anything… Not even you draw very good, yes is nice .Nothing! In my high school years I try my best to please her more, but it never works… I still remember when I was in form 1 I try all I can and I got 1st in whole from 1 but she still did not say anything, all the competition I join all the prize i got, I just want “great job” coming from her mouth… But I never get it…   Even a big trophy also can’t please her instead she ask me why can’t you focus on your studies? So during my last year of high school, I try all I can do avoid all competition…  But guess what my mom ask me “how come you did not join any competition? your brother is so good,he good so many trophy.” I was so hurt that time… Because of this I forces myself to be tough, because I know I can’t count on others only myself. That is why I always keep all this feeling to myself,I will never cry in front of Public and never ask help from others. Although every time I will say that is just pride of that is just Leo but it is not, it is just a way to not get myself hurt. And in beneath all this is just a little girl looking for love…       

After the incident just now I now know how much my mom really love me,no doubt about anything anymore… Actually the same incident happen 2years ago will I also found out that how my dad really love; but mom I just did not expect… And now tears just can’t stop…

Actually I am very tired of life I really need a break out of all this,but I just dare not to ask her because I know she wants me to finished and graduate… I know I live my life is not for myself,I know I do stuff is just to please her… but what can I do?  After the incident was she herself told me that she want me to rest after my Ausmat and no need to start so fast for degree… I seriously appreciate that… Maybe she just finally know. And I feel so foolish for having that kind of thoughts for years…how stupid!

    Straight from the title,  my only hope and dreams is crush… No more! Not even a pieces of it remains…. And Bye to my dreams! Is out the window and gone! As from my previous post I have said i want to study vet but that is so out of the question already, so I decided to study animal sciences! This dream seems so far and now is gone and varnish in my head! My mom yesterday was talking about this again to me and what she said really hurts me, is not any verbal attack or what so ever she just crush my dreams real hard… Again with the “ In the future what you like might not be what is the best for you…bla bla bla” 

    Not that I don’t love my mom or what so ever, but hey you are my mom can you give me some support? Jesus!Is making me going insane lah! She is like my “dream crusher” , to tell you guys the truth Vet was not my number 1 choices!  It was my choice when I was young  but during my high school year it was my number 2 choices. I bet you can’t guess what was my number 1 choices! Maybe to some of my friends, you guys might know i like to draw, ok not just like! I love to draw! Even some of my friend can tell when I am boring in class, because I will start to draw when I am bored! Try looking through my history text book and you will know what I mean! Although I like to draw, but I don’t want to be an artist I wanted to be a fashion designer! Ya a big celebrity dream!

   Yape, that was the first dream I had which was crush real hard! She against me for doing that with her saying again! But I am just not going to let it go, so my aunt also studied fashion design but she hate her job! Okey anyway she is rich she don’t even need to work her husband can support her, so my mum was advising me using her as an example, but what do you expect how far can you go? is in Malaysia we are talking about! Gosh! You need to get to places like Paris! So after looking at the life of some snobby designer and how god damn hard when you just down have the luck I decided to let go that dream… But creativity in me are boiling! I need something which I still can used my creativity! So I was very interested in multimedia designing, animation design and so on……And the dream of being a vet was chuck behind of my head…

    But my mom just won’t let me,she want me to going in to profession line! I think I know why she don’t seem to agree, because she was also hurt where her dream of ads design! I know she don’t want me to get hurt too, and she just want my future to be much more easier as compare to her; I do love her for that ,but the outside world didn’t hurt me she crashing my dreams is hurting me and make me feel like shit! So I follow what she say, study something in the profession line which is vet and you know what happen to that! And animals sciences is also a big NO! Not that my mom don’t let me just that, our country just don’t care about animals! Although the ATP or is it the ADP I am not sure is a Australia organization which they have to transfer student to Australia ; they have email to my mom yesterday asking my mom do she want to confirm to sent me Australian next year, she did not say no but did not say yes to! Is not a small number! So I donno now what to do and what to think and even what to study! She is even more worried than me everyday asking the same thing which I really can’t take it anymore so yesterday while she was talking about this again and but my phone on the table let her continue talking to herself ( luckily she did not know that!) after she finished talking about that than only I quickly pick up again and answer her with a “Yes lah! Can you please stop bugging me?” Than only she said “okok you go study!I don’t disturb you”

So what should I do? I have taken some test which all said I should not waste my creativity,I should pursuit in that path! But Is not easy in that path…I want something which in future easy to get job and big money but I don’t really know do I really like the sciences path?              

    Why can’t people be more considerate now days? Where is all this humanity when? As human proceeds in this world, all this humanity just went down the drain? Gosh! Guys! Are you are being taken over by the fact that socializing is not important that you don’t give a damn about people around you? Seriously be more considerate think of people around don’t be that selfish!

    Today, I went to have lunch with my roommate. Was crowded at the restaurant we went, so we have no choice but to sit at the end. So there was this few come in after us and sat behind of us and there were so god damn rude, there we smoking in the places like there were no bodies business! So what the hell lah? Not that I hate smokers or what so ever but if you need to smoke go some where you can smoke ‘till you drop without disturbing the others! But dude! HELLO??!! If you leave your eye at home let me tell you, WE ARE EATING HERE!!! The fact that I can't kick his ass, although I really want to; I was coughing all the way and freaking pisser me off is that they still continue smoking!!!

    Just ask yourself, if you were there today will you get pissed?Definitely will! Don’t they know smoking can kill them?If you want to die that is your problem but you might kill someone beside you! God damn luck there were no one besides them with serious asthma or else they might be six feet under by now! Being a second hand smoker is not that good too! You might one day kill your love’s one if too much of the smoke! And lung cancer survival rate is low!, and my grandfather was one of them… Although he try so hard for all those treatment but the cancer cell are just too hard to fight against!

People out there please try to be more considerate, try to think of the people around you… Because one day you might come to think of what you did and you will regret it… And that will not be a happy ending So think first be for you do it!      

Finally get my ass out the hostel and when out for some reason… And got some inspiration!

“Mirror mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all??” 

“Definitely not you, Shauni,” said the magic mirror.

    Okey fine I am not pretty I do admit, and I don’t need a magic mirror to tell me that, just a simple mirror can tell how I look. Ugly might be a strong word, average is much more suitable… I am not really smart, not lady like, bad temper and so on…  What is that left which is good and presentable in me? Loving dogs? Does helping ppl in need counts?

The thing here is, if I told people that I am  fat, they will answer me ‘If that you called it fat what am I?” If I said I am short people will say the same thing… Shisshhh~ can I just complain about the imperfect side of me? Btw, I don’t have issue or whatever sickness in my head!  But I am really not pretty! Will I am also lazy to make up and what so ever, natural is good!^^ Too much of chemical is bad for the skin! BTW, I am just 18 no need to much of make up on my faces!  Seriously I can stand people who waste few hundreds just on some stupid limited edition branded make up set which you can get the normal one which is freaking cheaper! So what is the deal here?  Secondly, I will never ever do plastic surgery that is for sure even though if I am freaking ugly! What do you want to changes god creation? God created us in different way fro a reason or maybe know but just love yourself as who you are!

The only  thing can hope for now is the story like the ugly darkling! hahaha 

I need something bombastic, I need something which will make you dream of I need something which will make you cry! Yeah! I need inspiration to write blog! I am so tired so stress and so out of ideas…

I don’t want to blog about my daily life is so boring I want to write something, which makes sense which we can talk about and it is worth thinking about! And my boring life is so out! I now feel like this is the lames blog I have ever posted T_T

Sorry I am just so out of ideals~.~

Any ideas what to blog? I am out for now…

I need something to happen than will I only have ideas, but due to the exam nothing interesting happen which gave me zero ideas~~

Sorry for the worst post ever… Will make it up to you all when there is a idea hit my head,hope it will happen real soon! BYE!